


I think this time I'm dying

by WiresCarryingMe



Series: Asthma [2]
Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Real Person Fiction, Sleepyboisinc, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Author Projecting onto Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Cutting, Dissociation, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Hurt/Comfort, No Beta, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Technoblade Angst (Video Blogging RPF), Technoblade-centric (Video Blogging RPF), Trans Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Trans TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot and Technoblade and TommyInnit are Siblings, ask to tag, mcdonalds, uhh idk what else to tag for the second chapter. i, vent fic, you don't have to read the first fic in the series
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-15 05:47:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29803824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WiresCarryingMe/pseuds/WiresCarryingMe
Summary: Technoblade lives in wait.-------------Or, Technoblade visits England, Just in time for Tommy's suicide attempt.(Part 2 of the "Asthma" series. Your not required to read the first fic to read this one, although it is recommended)
Relationships: ALL PLATONIC, Technoblade & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot & Technoblade, Wilbur Soot & Technoblade & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, uhh i'll add more later
Series: Asthma [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2189307
Comments: 8
Kudos: 166





	1. I'm not melodramatic

**Author's Note:**

> You don't have to read the first fic to read this one, this is Techno's pov of the other fic though, so you might wanna read the other fic to get Tommy's pov! Don't show to any content creators, if anyone (like content creators) want me to take this down then I will, y'know. The title is from Saline Solution, I didn't listen to anything when I wrote this but I recommend you listen to Saline Solution. Enjoy!   
> Also my new headphones arrived! yay!

Techno has a routine. He defines his life in eras, in which is routine and mindset change. He doesn’t know what he’s going to call this era, but he thinks the line from Wilbur’s song, Saline Solution, fits. “I think this time I’m dying.”, that one. He had relapsed, he was doing so good. Techno wakes up everyday, Techno has coffee, k-pod and milk, Techno drinks coffee, Techno is gaming (a new addition) or on his phone, he reads some Sun Tzu when he remembers (just a page, sometimes 2 or 3) that he should. And he watches the day go by. Sometimes he streams, sometimes he talks to his friends, asks random questions or just checks in, has conversations.   
Although a new thing wormed its way into his routine. His old pal, cutting. He didn’t know why he disassembled that pencil sharper, and hid the blade (Not that it would matter though, he lives alone. Still. Old habits die hard.) he foolishly thought he wasn’t going to cut, that he would stay clean. 

He doesn’t know why he tried. He feels the bandaid on his leg, his old favorite spot. His legs where never noticed. Now his entire body never is, he doesn’t even have to hide it anymore. Technoblade is invisible. In his digital world, he is strong. In this world, he is not. That’s they key difference. 

If he’s strong he would have stopped. If he’s strong he wouldn’t have. He didn’t know why he gave in to the siren’s call, over and over again. His headphones broke and the replacements are coming by 10 pm and he wants to scream. Technoblade needs his headphones to listen to anything, and of course he needs the microphone on his headphones to well, speak, but. Technoblade cannot stand the thought of his music on, blasting so his neighbors could hear. He tried to listen to music without headphones, and he was so anxious, but sometimes he could work that day. Other times he got distracted and read, read whatever crossed his vision, he doesn’t know anymore. 

He needs to listen, he needs to listen to that specific podcast, that specific song, he needs to listen to something. To imagine anything in his brain. To watch youtube, any of the videos Phil, Tommy, whoever has put out. He doesn’t know. He hasn’t been on youtube in days. Months in his mind. It feels like pure hell. He’s just been waiting. And waiting. He feels like he’s been waiting his whole life. He’s waiting for the flight to england next week to see Phil, and eventually make his way to Wilbur’s house. He felt like he waiting years for everything to be okay, maybe he still is, he feels like he’s been waiting years to not be alone, isolated in this damn place all by himself. His neighbors are yelling and he cannot block it out. He cannot block anything out. 

He feels the bandaid on his leg and ignores whatever words his neighbor says, he feels the bandaid and ignores his chest racing. 

He waits.


	2. Wasting your Time.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Technoblade arrives in England.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't listen to anything while writing this, i'm supposed to be doing schoolwork. oh well. Enjoy! title from Jubilee Line by Wilbur Soot.

He had arrived in England. He ended up driving over to Phil’s and staying in a guest room there. He had breakfast on the first day with Phil, and then ended up in his room. Waiting. Again. He has his headphones now so he blankly swimmed through the digital world all day. He lost track of time and it was somehow night again and he was sucked into the digital plane all day again, time just passing him away over and over again like a river and he was going to just lose control of time and everything for the rest of his life, huh? He would always just be criticized for not “paying attention” or for “not trying” but he swears he’s trying his best, he swears hes trying but its so hard. He doesn’t know how to explain it but he swears he’s trying his best he doesn’t know why he fails he falls he doesn’t know why he isn’t good enough. He thought he found a way to make everything work but yet everything's failing and he’s fucking thinking about this shit again. 

His hands were running through his pink hair as the dark sky shone on him through the windows and he wanted to scream but there were people sleeping and he didn’t wanted to wake them up. He was up late. Again. He got up and walked down the hall and only saw one sleeping body in the other bedroom. He turned and walked down the hall of Phil’s home, so full of stuff and life and seems like the perfect place for a family, the perfect place for people to call home as its so homey and it has so much stuff in it just like Techno’s but this time its actually home like instead of just the gaps of no one being filled by random stuff that blurs into his mind and he ends up being blind to anyways. 

He decides to go to Wilbur’s house, because its near. He decides to go to Wilbur’s like he always ended up doing. If he could just move. He’s standing at the door and his body isn’t obeying him again. Move. He ends up being able to move after some time that felt like eternity. He knows he probably should be doing something, maybe its just habit. Always forgetting things so now he always assumes he’s missing something but can’t remember what. Its stressful, sure. He doesn’t now how it helps. It doesn’t. Nothing helps. Nothing helps just being lost in a phone call and he cannot speak he’s just in another world and it all just blurs around him. 

He doesn’t know how he ended up on Wilbur’s doorstep. He doesn’t know how he drove the car. He doesn’t know how the car ride went, if he hit anything on the way there he wouldn’t know. If he saw someone on the way their, like Tommy, Technoblade wouldn’t know. It scares him how he suddenly can forget what he said, what he did, just five seconds ago. But its normal, always has been apart of his life. The thing that scares him is that he doesn’t know if he just embarrassed himself, or said something rude that he needed to apologize for, a story he cannot complete because he doesn’t know it. Yet he keeps his cool. Especially in front of an audience, he keeps an act up, and hopes it works. Hopes they don’t see that he forgot what he just said and is hoping it isn’t career ruining. 

He’s standing in front of the house. He hasn’t moved. He just noticed this. He walks to the door and goes into the home. Its big with white walls, and brown couch, a coffee table inbetween and a tv. There are other parts of the house but he doesn’t noticed it. Because the room is big and like a movie set, with some sort of symbolism that gets lost on his brain and doesn’t know. He sits inbetween Phil and Wilbur as they greet him, he says something back (maybe “hello” “hey” or whatever. He can’t say anything with confidence, though.) the night breezes past them as they play minecraft, other video games, and chat. They had fun and for once Technoblade is not the only one who’s time lost. Now he has Phil and Wilbur. There’s an empty space however, Tommy isn’t here. He is a teenager, but his absence from the group is probably noticed. He doesn’t know, however, since he cannot sense what is unspoke, so many Phil and Wilbur haven’t noticed the big gaping spot where Tommy would normally be in there group as they play, don’t think about what Tommy would chime in with in the empty space between words, like they were waiting for it. Its different without Tommy, like before. But still, They like Tommy’s addition to their little group. They like the kid, he’s talented, bright, and has so much potential. Although they manage, they still have fun. The absense of the fourth member is noticed, at least by Techno. Techno is glad the absence is only for one night, and not permanent. He doesn’t like that he briefly entertained that thought of losing Tommy, of a big gap where their friend used to be appearing. He’s glad it’s only his mind. He logically knows Tommy is probably sleeping, at home. With nothing for him to worry about. 

At one point, Techno’s asked to get some food for the group, so he does. He gets to the car (who’s is it? Phil’s? How did Phil get here then? He doesn’t know. He knows that it was at Phil’s place, and that’s all that really matters, probably. Hopefully.) Technoblade makes a realization while he’s driving. He parks in some random parking lot. He doesn’t know a lot about England. Doesn’t know there the fast food is. He doesn’t know what they wanted (did he forget what they said? Did they just forget to say it? Who knows.) so he walks. Under the moonlight, looking around at the buildings, some with lights, others turned off and locked up. In the breeze on this chilling night he senses something happening but he just imagines it as his mind. He walks and walks and doesn’t want to message Wilbur, or Phil. Hopes his faulty memory just remembers. He logically knows that Phil and Wilbur won’t be disappointed in him if he forgot, he knows they’d just tell him again. He knows they would understand. But, a part of him who remembers others disappointment and sharp words that felt like knives to him. Made him feel so so so bad likes he’s being dragged down by a weight. Any small negative words can ruin some time for him. He hates that about himself, how sensitive he is, in his opinion. 

He doesn’t know where he is. Doesn’t know he’s near Tommy, a short walk and some building’s between them, realistically not far away but probably centuries in each others time. He goes into the big shopping mart and walks around, artificial light gracing him as he hears driving outside and rolls his eyes at how bad it sounds, probably someone leaving a party drunk off their minds. He doesn’t know its Wilbur, panicked and spiraling himself over to Tommy, who is trying to jump off a bridge and drown himself. Technoblade walks throughout the building, and ultimately leaves. 

He somehow misses Wilbur’s plea, Phil’s worry. Tommy’s reaction. He arrived in England just in time for Tommy’s suicide attempt, but ends up at a Mcdonalds. He did not see it, he did not see anything that had happened that night. He orders extra, another meal. For a forth person. He notices his mistake but he doesn’t correct it. He runs and tries to find the car. While walking he thinks about Tommy, he thinks about how he has a bright future ahead of him, and how much potential he has. He remembers the kid in his brain, he knows he’s going to go far. He has so much potential, he knows Tommy would never make the same mistakes he did. Techno, of course, was wrong. But Technoblade didn’t know that. He instead just thought that the kid was so happy that he would never do that. 

Technoblade had noticed something was off, but written it off as his own experience drawing connections to things he had noticed about Tommy recently. Just thought his brain was over reacting. He brought McDonald’s to the house, unaware. 

He opened the door. Nothing could have ever prepared him for his night. 

Technoblade open’s his mouth.


End file.
